The perfect guide to finding LOVE

“You should meet Eric,” said a new friend at the office.
“He’s a cyber-security expert, a former military officer, has
great taste in music… and oh, he’s VERY handsome.” It was
a hard sell. Of all the good qualities a man may possess, the
only one she left out was the one you can’t really talk about
in the office.
So one thing lead to the next, and I got a call from Eric
that evening. We talked for a while and then he apologized
and said he had to go meet a friend. He promised to text
later, and in a way he did… the following day. I replied, and
guess what? Another full day before I got a response. After
two days of this tedious back-and-forth, I understood that
there was a communication issue. He texts, I text back and
then he disappears. So the issue, in a nutshell, was that he
was a guy.
After three days of this I faced the following options:
1. Realizing that if this is how it starts, it doesn’t look
promising and maybe I should give up.
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2. Trying to talk to him and figure out why he takes so long
replying to my messages.
3. Sending him something funny that encourages him to
respond in real time.
I decided to press hold on the first option; I mean, this
is the 21st century, and introducing a cyber-security guy to
your parents is even better than bringing home a doctor. The
second option felt premature, I like keeping the “where are we
headed” conversation until later on in a relationship… you
know, at least the second date!
So, instead, I sent him the following text:
“Hi Eric, this is your mobile network carrier. Would you
like to increase your texting capacity? We’ve received a
complaint that you’re not responding to customers.”
This text got the job done. It didn’t take me a minute to
get the following response: “Hey Odelia, this is 1-800-
BOYFRIEND customer service. We are calling about the
boyfriend you ordered; he reached the delivery location but
couldn’t find the customer. To reschedule please press 1, or
hold on forever.”
So it turned out the guy not only has a sense of humor,
but he even came to my office that day to meet me (while
pretending to visit our mutual friend). That is beside the
point, what’s important here is the timely response my
humor got out of him. Even more impressively, his response
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amused me so much that I was itching to meet him too. I
told him I happened to be away from the office that day, but
he was more than welcome to pop over for coffee where I
happened to be. Even though he had other plans, Eric
showed up and we had a charming, hilarious date. We didn’t
end up at the altar (there’s more to relationships than humor
after all) but to me this demonstrates just how much humor
can change a situation—in this case, it even managed the
impossible by rerouting a guy from jerk-like tendencies

Rita Mae Brown wrote that insanity is doing
the same thing over and over and expecting different
results (this quote is often misattributed to Einstein;
apparently if a male scientist said something it’s
more credible than if a female writer did. As a
lady writer myself, I can only suggest that you
imagine Einstein wrote this book as well… it’ll
make you trust me more, and you know it’s
totally up his alley). According to that formula,
most people suffer from severe levels of insanity
as they employ the same tactic again and again
instead of trying new ways of capturing
someone’s attention.
One of the most effective ways to get people
to respond quickly and to your satisfaction is
humor. Humor is like fresh bait for a fisherman
who hasn’t caught a fish for a long time. That’s
because it lets the other person know that you’re
expecting a response but that you’re not angry or
stressed. When the other person doesn’t feel
threatened, criticized, or judged, it’s easier for
them to respond. Similarly, humor lightens up
the situation and demonstrates confidence and
self-esteem, qualities everyone responds to. And
don’t forget that laughter is based on surprise;
once we surprise the other person they’ll
appreciate our sophistication and intelligence
and find it hard to stay disinterested.

“When are you going to get married?” my grandma, God bless her, asks me every single holiday. For years I told her I just started dating someone. There was a problem, however, as no guy seemed to stick around until the next holiday. Eventually, I decided to stop lying. When I called to wish her a Happy New Year, and, as usual, she asked me when I’m going to find a husband, I said, “Honestly, Gram, I got married but you weren’t invited.” Luckily, humor is a genetic trait in my family and she also has it in abundance. After the initial shock she stopped and laughed, then called her lawyer and cut me out of the will.

              When you hear something like, “My daughter Rachel is 28 and she’s married,” you should say, “Yes, but it’s her first marriage so it doesn’t count. Let’s wait for the next one.”

              One time when my aunt tried to poke her nose in and asked when I planned on having kids, I said I already had an 18-year-old just the other day.

              Another problem with late singlehood is that during the holidays, singles are expected to help more. The newlyweds are far too happy to be involved in chores, and new parents would love to lend a hand, but they’re too busy changing stinky diapers. For years I went along with being the one who makes the food, serves it, and does the dishes afterwards, but one time I just blurted out that I’d love to be married just so I could stop doing all the dishes. The message was received, and I was gifted a dishwasher the next year (or as my sister called it, 30% of a good husband).

              The holidays can be such a strenuous time for single people that they choose to go abroad instead, just to avoid being with the family. They prefer celebrating with a group of complete strangers in the common room of a budget hostel rather than gather with family and risk silent (or worse, not-so-silent) judgment.

              And I, for one, absolutely approve of this method; if you have the money you definitely should bail. Then again, if you don’t, or if you’re one of those superhumans who love their families unreservedly, try to find a way of turning the tables. “Why aren’t I married? Because you found the best man, auntie. I’ll get married as soon as you get divorced.” It takes a bit of tact to pull off well, and keep it on the right side of not-creepy, but it’s just the right balance between “I’m happy for what you have” and “now back off or I’ll end you.”

ואם הוא לא אוהב שנשים מתחילות איתו? פשוט מאוד — כנראה שהוא לא בשבילך.